Pompey. I’m your man….

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to you in application of the current vacancy of first team manager at Portsmouth Football Club.

Admittedly this might appear on first glance a strange application given that I have no experience of managing a professional club. However I did successfully keep Plessey reserves in Isle of Wight combination One  in the early 2000’s.

So why should you consider me a credible applicant you might ask?

Well, firstly I am always skint. Seriously, I’m terrible with money, so I have ample experience of surviving with none. You would be amazed what I can achieve with my last fiver before payday. This level of financial trickery sees me perfectly suited to the day to day rigours of managing a football club that has nothing.

Secondly I have delusions of grandeur. I often think I can achieve the impossible which means my level of ambition would be matched with that of your fanbase, no one will be more surprised than me when we lose. I guarantee promotion this season, it’s only League Two after all.

Thirdly, my neighbour is better than me. He has a bigger and nicer house, he is earning more money than me, he is more popular and when he has a party over twice the amount of people attend than do mine. This has always been the case with the exception of a brief spell between 2005-2011 when he hit hard times and I took a lot of loans to buy things I couldn’t afford. This has meant I have built up a severe level of bitterness and a huge inferiority complex.

Finally, I am a keen historian. Things that happened long before even my dad was born are way more important to me than the present day.

I look forward to hearing from you with a date for interview.

Best Regards,

Ali Dia (BSc, BA, WTFILN)

10 thoughts on “Pompey. I’m your man….”

    1. Dear Ali,

      You sound like just the man for Pompey but unfortunately you lack one major quality, the ability to win titles / cups etc. I understand that many years ago you did, with the help of a Pompey lad, win something. However you have spent (and lost) millions of pounds since then and cant even buy success, hardly a glowing reference is it? However we are mindful of your current, if somewhat temporary flirtation with winning football matches, and would suggest you re-apply when you have actually won something (I am afraid the paint pot trophy doesn’t count).


      Your neighbours

      1. never mind maybe one day you’ll get to play bigger clubs (your definition) like huddersfield and preston again, as they’ve won more trophies than you. They surely must be the bestest (TM) If only they were fan owned (sic)

  1. Dear Neighbours,

    Why would any prospective candidate need to have the ability to win titles / cups? Do you get a cup for staying up then?

    Yours sincerely

    Whothefuck Islaughingnow

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