I write to you in application of the current vacancy of first team manager at Portsmouth Football Club.
Admittedly this might appear on first glance a strange application given that I have no experience of managing a professional club. However I did successfully keep Plessey reserves in Isle of Wight combination One in the early 2000’s.
So why should you consider me a credible applicant you might ask?
Well, firstly I am always skint. Seriously, I’m terrible with money, so I have ample experience of surviving with none. You would be amazed what I can achieve with my last fiver before payday. This level of financial trickery sees me perfectly suited to the day to day rigours of managing a football club that has nothing.
Secondly I have delusions of grandeur. I often think I can achieve the impossible which means my level of ambition would be matched with that of your fanbase, no one will be more surprised than me when we lose. I guarantee promotion this season, it’s only League Two after all.
Thirdly, my neighbour is better than me. He has a bigger and nicer house, he is earning more money than me, he is more popular and when he has a party over twice the amount of people attend than do mine. This has always been the case with the exception of a brief spell between 2005-2011 when he hit hard times and I took a lot of loans to buy things I couldn’t afford. This has meant I have built up a severe level of bitterness and a huge inferiority complex.
Finally, I am a keen historian. Things that happened long before even my dad was born are way more important to me than the present day.
I look forward to hearing from you with a date for interview.
Ali Dia (BSc, BA, WTFILN)